Recently I was laying awake in bed, thinking about my future. Wondering when I could afford to get married, buy a house, take that next trip. It didn't take very long for my thoughts to quickly spiral out of control as I thought of all the things that could go wrong.
Usually it's a plane crash or car crash that I become fixated on. The tragic and unexpected death of myself or my partner. Infertility.
This time, however, my brain landed on paraplegia. I'm not sure what triggered this latest anxiety rabbit hole that I'd fallen into. Maybe I'd watched a news story, or read an article on facebook. Maybe it was an episode of 'Say Yes to the Dress' in which the bride was wheelchair bound.
I imagined receiving the news that I would never walk again. That I was also now, for some reason, unable to have children. I would never accomplish my goals, bound as I was to this wheelchair. That I would fall into a deep depression, and lose all sense of myself, eventually being forsaken by my friends and family. That I would be dependent on my partner for the rest of my life. Would he stick around that long? Of course he would.
Even in my anxious state, I trusted the deep love that we have for each other. But perhaps it was this deep love that prevented him from seeking out a better partner? He would be stuck with me after all, unable to enjoy the activities that we had once enjoyed.
It was at this moment, as I shed silent tears while he lay sleeping peacefully beside me, that it occurred to me that I was still able-bodied. And even if I weren't, many people in wheelchairs live full lives. That I have been lucky enough in my life to find someone I love so utterly that the thought of him leaving me seems so inconceivable, even at the height of my anxiety.
And once again I was reminded that this is the answer to anxiety. Constant reminders that I am still here and that I am blessed. I just so happened to be born in a country far from any military conflict, with a family that loves me and supports me. I have free health-care and free education. I have steady employment, even during a global pandemic. And I have my health. I have love.
If anxiety is the thief of joy, gratitude is the gift. Many of us who suffer from the constant unrelenting doubts of anxiety know this, but it bears reminding yourself over and over and over again.
Whenever you feel yourself falling down that rabbit hole, reach for your blessings. Write them down if you have to as a reminder. Surround yourself with beautiful, positive things and before you know it, gratitude will become a habit.
Joy is not an innate gift, given to those who are blessed to receive it. It is something we have to work at every day, even and most especially when we have difficulty feeling it.
Stay positive, my friends.
Mental Health Mondays is an introspective series where I explore mental health issues
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